There are several definitions for vocation, but the one I’m thinking of works for me. Simply put: a trade or profession. I trade off sugar because I’m a sugar addict. I prefer to feel healthy and in control of what I eat. I like to have impulse controls and I like to have mental clarity as much as I can.
I’ve played on justification with justavacation, but it occurred to me recently, that I just need to work the tools that work for me so I don’t trade off my good health for feeling lousy. Justavocation. Staying away from sugar is not deprivation. Eating sugar deprives me of feeling good in the long run. Well, actually, I don’t know that I could run when I was on sugar so perhaps it’s more accurate to say it deprives me of the long run!
Some folks might have noticed I haven’t been writing much in the past week. And it’s showing up in the present–weak. I went to a lecture at my library last Tuesday. It was about emotional eating and food addiction. I told the presenter that it was very validating for me. I shared my book and she took a picture of the title. I felt good.
I also weighed in and got my free eTools voucher from Weight Watchers last week. I hadn’t weighed in during January, but I paid my dues in February, used the tools that worked for me and managed to be free on the last day of the month. I showed a three pound loss from the week before, but in reality, I had gained twenty pounds between the end of November and the middle of January. Emotional eating. It happened. I got enough control to get back in my healthy weight range without dieting. I felt good about that, too.
I thought I was back in control, but a couple of things happened. I chose to make some gluten free chocolate biscotti out of nut flours and monk fruit with erythritol (a zero calorie, zero glycemic index sweetener). I was curious to see how they would turn out. And I was curious enough to try one for breakfast the morning after I made them. I took it as a win that I didn’t eat one outside of a meal. And I took it as a win that I was able to stop after one. (They weren’t that great–very dry and not very sweet. But they were edible.)
And then I had two for dessert that night. And more for breakfast the next day. And lunch time. I still wasn’t eating them between meals, so I thought I was fine. But then I realized I was looking for a hit of sweet–like a drug. I packed them up and sent them to someone who would have better control. I knew they were fine with erythritol as a sweetener. And I knew they could crumble up the biscotti for plant food or something if they didn’t like it!
Lesson learned: Curiosity can sometimes kill more than a cat. Sometimes it’s a catastrophe and fixing it seems to be impossible. I’m working on making it a catapostrophe to get back to my I’m Possible self.
The other things that happened were family and friends related. Most, if not all, of the situations were beyond my control. But there was a certain sadness that seemed to overwhelm me. I’m not proud to say, but I’m honestly saying, I turned to the numbing effect of eating between meals. Food, even food without sugar, has some numbing qualities. But the problem with using food like that, is that it takes more and more to numb. And when I stopped, the thing I didn’t want to feel was still there. But added to it was the problem of excess weight, inflammation, exhaustion, and a need to detox.
Yesterday, I knew I was in a really bad place when I bought and ate dates and nuts with no hunger involved. Just an out of control craving for numbness.
I’m not inclined to go into great personal details here. But I know that part of my weakness and caving to food was a result of not writing about how I was feeling. Not here. Not on Weight Watchers. Not on Facebook. Shame on me. That’s what I thought it would be. But I’m realizing, again, that honesty is the best policy.
My body tracks every thing I do with great precision. My brain doesn’t always keep up. Or want to keep up. The ostrich effect just gets sand in my eyes and adds to the problem. To quote a dear friend, “It’s okay.” I’m a work in progress. And that’s a hopeful thing. (It’s seems more hopeful than a work in congress.)
It’s also okay that I feel sad about some things. Even when there are happy parts, too. I think I need to feel it all in perspective. Denying sadness can prevent healing. Reality balance is important. It’s valid. And when I deny it, I think I feel invalid. Sick. Being out of balance gives an advantage to the addiction and that’s not what I want. I do think it’s helpful to try to keep a positive outlook. But I also know that sometimes I’m sad. And it’s okay.
I saw a meme a few weeks ago: I found it here I think about the idea often. I don’t know if I’ve given the proper credit, but if you follow the blue link, it will take you to Pinterest.
So back to honesty being the best policy. Honest Tea. I’m going to drink it between meals if I feel hungry today. Police-why. It’s a safety thing. Justification for managing my sugar addiction? Justavocation. It works for me.
I feel like I’m on the write track again.
Speaking of tracks, pretty soon I’m going to write about my skiing lesson at Schweitzer Mountain. Taking a stance, balance, and cutting edge stuff. All things that help me manage my addiction. Stay tuned.