Liberated. Deliberate.

Liberated. Deliberate.

When I deliberately eat something or do something that activates my inner sugar monster, I am de-liberating myself and taking away the freedom that I have when sugar isn’t in control of me.

I’m not completely sure of what sets me into a place of deliberation. As if there were a choice. I do know when I simply accept that I have a problem with sugar (whatever breaks down into sugar) and I have a problem with eating between meals (aka grazing) there’s a sense of freedom that is amazing to me.

I know that when I’m in a place of liberation, I eat three meals a day. It’s a matter of fact. Not a deliberation point. I know that there have been days when I’ve had a great sense of relief that I didn’t even have to  consider eating something because it wasn’t a mealtime. And there have been days when I was so pleased to be done with supper because that meant I was done with food for the day. No questions. No deliberations. Liberated.

One of my beta readers finished reading my manuscript and felt bad for me that something as simple and basic as eating would be so complicated for me. But when I think about it, not paying attention to my food made my life extremely complicated. No impulse controls. Cloudy thinking. Obesity. Moodiness. Ashamed. Joint pain. Complicated.

So why do I sometimes deliberate myself? There might be an answer to that question. And maybe there isn’t. I was talking to a woman the other day and she told me that one of her clients had been sober for seventeen years only to cave to alcohol after he had gastric bypass surgery. Perhaps it’s because his normal changed dramatically and he wasn’t prepared for the changes in his mind and his body. Perhaps he had a long list of “no” things he had to observe. Perhaps his type 2 diabetes disappeared because of a change in his digestive process (I think I heard of something like that being an effect of some weight loss surgeries). And perhaps there were enough changes that he thought he might now be okay with one taste. Whatever his case was, I hope he can find his way to healthy if that’s where he wants to be.

I haven’t studied enough about addictive personalities to know much more than I’ve experienced. My experience in the past five years has helped me to know that honesty and awareness have been big keys managing my sugar addiction. When I feel like I have a roadblock gate on my journey, accepting my addiction situation seems to unlock the deadbolt. And adapting to new situations is like stepping through the door. Even though I have had slip ups and deliberation experiences, I’m aware that the basic way back to liberated is the same. And I’m thankful. (That’s another key.)

Right now, I seem to be struggling with reentry or just plain old entry to my new normal. I’ll have a few days of control. And then heads roll. Or something like that. I have been here before with worse deliberating choices. Or maybe they haven’t been worse. No matter if it’s grazing with some no sugar added something or other or what I used to do with outright sugar, the reality is that I need to regain my sense of liberation and hold on to it. On purpose.

My dream of eating candy and spitting it out generated a back and forth that included this response from me:

 I think I found it reassuring that I was aware of my sugar addiction in my dreams. It helps me think that my acceptance is going deeper.
I flirt with the disaster of hitting the caster (sugar) and making a Wellington Square. I could make them and take them to somebody else but to eat then I just wouldn’t dare. I imagine what they taste like and how they feel to my teeth but I will not deign to eat it. I count that simply beneath. Because it sends me over the top to a high that descends to the depths that I also can imagine well since I’ve done it with many rep(th)s. Hmm. I seem to have written a little more (e’en) in this comment! Best wishes to you!

I’ve been mulling this post in side me (as opposed to in cider) for a few days. I’m going to publish it. Deliberately. Hoping it will help liberate me.

PS. My AAA of Awareness Acceptance and Adapting is by my side. It’s not a matter of changing attire (from small to large). Perhaps adding some fluid, adjusting the rear view mirror, and changing the oil will put me back in gear. It’s possible. I’m Possible!



2 thoughts on “Liberated. Deliberate.

  1. Oh, my friend! I hear you loud and clear. I am banging on the door myself. The comfort I’m finding is that I am banging and I, like you, have a few days then start sliding down the slippery sugary slope once again. The comfort is that I am NOT “giving up till after Christmas” like I have done in the past. You’re Possible, I’m Possible, We’re Possible!

    Liked by 1 person

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