I’d have written about pi yesterday if I’d had enough time. But I just couldn’t get round to it. There was no getting around pi day. The way I round, it was 3.1416. I did avoid pie all day. No piece of pie for me. I was too busy to make any. It’s too much sugar for me anyway. But my thoughts were actually circling around peace. And struggles.
Before I became very aware that I was a sugar addict in 2011, I had just about made peace with being fat and not fit for the rest of my life. I was approaching the end of my forties and nothing I did to lose weight or be more healthy seemed to work. I was getting ready to accept that I would just be obese and be done with the struggle to lose weight to be healthy. I supposed there would be a peace about that, but it was more like a piece of candy or pie or cake just waiting to be eaten. In multiple pieces.
And then I read the back cover of Potatoes Not Prozac and recognized myself in the description. In that recognition, I also found hope in what Kathleen Desmaisons, Ph.D. had found to be a healing process for sugar addicts. There was a certain peace in knowing there was something to do and that I could have hope for not being controlled by a piece of pie or something else laden with sugar. I didn’t know if I could lose weight, but I wanted to pay attention to her guidelines in hope that I would feel better.
I had a certain struggle with cravings, but I now had something to do to get me through to the next mealtime without eating. I wrote and wrote and wrote about how I was feeling. And when I wasn’t writing, I was having something like water, seltzer or Good Earth Sweet and Spicy Tea to drink. Or reading other Weight Watchers blog posts and commenting on what they had shared.
My new book (it feels good to type new instead of forthcoming!) tells my story of learning to live with sugar addiction. Not giving into the piece of sugar, but having the peace of control to make healthy choices. There have been times when I’ve given in to the piece of sugar and I’ve found that I hated how I felt afterward. I craved the peace of my sugar free thoughts And it was worth the fight to get it back.
For a few years, I did cave to the sugar by times. But it caused a division in my sense of control and my power to make good choices. More recently, I’ve been able to notice the crumbling to addiction earlier, before the sugar gets in. When I start to graze a little before meals. Or a little after meals. Or maybe mid morning or late afternoon. When I haven’t been able to write about what’s going on. Or I haven’t gotten enough to drink. I get this feeling that something else is trying to take over. And it’s not a very peaceful feeling.
Today was one of those days. I didn’t have a lot of control over my schedule. I knew I was going to be busy during my preferred lunch time. And as I was driving down the road, I realized I’d never replaced my emergency supplies of food that I’d consumed on pi day. Here it was the I’ds of March and I’d have had my salmon pouch with fruit if I’d only thought to pack some more in my wallet. My capital idea had been forgotten in a rush of too many things going on.
I ended up buying some lentil chips (no sugar added), smoked oysters (no sugar added), and dried pineapple (also no sugar added, but proven to be dangerous in the past). My lunch started at 10:30 because I wanted the fishy smell of the oysters to be out of the car before I picked up my passenger. If I’d have been thinking better, I’d have done something different. If I’d have been thinking “beware the ides of March” perhaps I’d have been more aware and ready to beware enough to see where some of these choices would lead. I’m going to say that my lack of writing might have had something to do with my early warning system failing.
But craving the peace that comes with no sugar is helping me write this piece of a post. I’m not rummaging through the fridge to find protein and fruit before supper. The buzz in my head is warning me that the addiction wants more. I want Maureen, though. I know if I don’t rein things in, forms of sugar will be all too soon reigning. Raining on my peace of control that helps me fight against it and win.
I’ll end this ramble now. I’m going to fix supper. Salmon, salad, quinoa, and baked apples with cinnamon (no added sugar). I’ll have some herb tea to finish it off. I’ll enjoy the relief and peace of being done eating for the day. It was a tough one. But it’s almost done. There’s much to be thankful for. And I’d rather think about that. In peace.
Note: The picture is from last year. I’d made a pie and didn’t a piece. I was editing my manuscript in peace. No desire to eat the pie. I remember that day. It was a good one.